Monday, 16 December 2013

My Biggest Fear/ Last Night I Dreamt That

I HAVE HAD A MASSIVELY AMAZING IDEA!!! Wanna hear what it is¿ Well last night I had a peculiar dream. Now it may have been because we ate pizza last night (a friend of mine thinks its the cheese) that does it, but it doesn't matter. The point is that I finally had a dream that I remembered in the morning! I haven't had one of those in ages. So my BRILLIANT new idea is that, so I don't feel brain dead when I have to come up with something to write about is DUM DUM DUM...."last night I dreamt"! I know! Pure genius!

So this post is about the dream I dreamt last night. Last night I dreamt that I was in year 12. Final year. VCE. And I was running a race with all the other year 12s. It was set in Sri Lanka. And each and every single one of us had to pick up a handful of olives along the way and present it to the Martial at the end of the race who threw it on top of this metal roof (By the way, you will not find any olives in Sri Lanka so don't ask about the olives) So I finished this race. I did average. I didn't come first, it didn't come last. I think I came in the middle band of people but I was happy. Extremely happy that I finished this race. But I was so preoccupied about actually finishing this race that I forgot about the olives completely. I picked it up sure, but when I handed it over to the martial I didn't pay enough attention and didn't give the poor little green olive the respect it deserved. I don't know why but that tiny little piece of information kept nagging at the back of my mind. It kept pulling and pinching at my little grey matter and wouldn't leave me alone. And like the way a new mother wouldn't have the slightest clue as to why her baby was crying, I didn't have the slightest clue. Until I started thinking about it properly.

The race in obviously a symbolic metaphor for VCE or your certificate of education, final year examinations. The olives I think represent knowledge. I don't know why it can't be apples (I love apple and don't give me the sinister foreboding feeling that those olives give me)! And I think it represent how some people really give a lot of thought into the whole learning process that they go through and get quite emotional and elated when they have to present what they have discovered on their race and how others simply just burn through the race only to have it over and done with. I don't want to be in the latter half when the time comes for me. Hell there's a whole year for me until then. A WHOLE YEAR. That's such a long time right? Not.

If you have read my post about Adulthood then you may find some background about this. But only now do I realise that my biggest fears aren't insects or man eating crocodiles. It isn't a fear of the dark or death or love. My biggest fear is the future.  The future. Whenever someone asks me what subjects I'm going to take for VCE or what I want to be once I "grow up", or what my dream is, or where I see myself in 20 years time, my stomach just...I don't know, it feels light someone grabbed my insides and started twisting it. At other times I feel like this big hole just opened up and swallowed everything I ate for lunch. That is the feeling I get when someone starts talking about the future. I know! It's terrible!

It's this massive unknown variable in your maths equation. I don't even like maths! I hate it with passion. But the one thing that I do like about it is that, no matter how hard the method is, no matter how long the working out, there is a clear and definite answer and a clear and definite method. The future is completely the opposite. Sure there is an equation. But the method involves making decisions about which method to use, purposely making mistakes and solving them finding new ways to do things. It involves so many different concepts that unless you fully grasp the idea behind them, then you have missed out on a valuable lesson. If you miss out on that maths lesson it's so easy to make up for it. Just study your textbook. But with this there aren't any textbooks!

These are the things that determine the end result.  And it scares me half to death. There are so many variables in this whole unknown. Maybe I am a maths student? ....Bahahahahaha! NO WAY!

Anyway,  I keep wondering "what if I make a terrible decision!? What if the whole thing turns up side down and I'm left completely lost? What if the end result is something I don't like? I just hate. I don't like it. It gives me nightmares...such as these. There's just way too many "ifs" for my liking!

But then I figured out the olive thing. I don't want to be the one who just burns through the whole VCE thing. I don't want to burn through such an important part of my future, just like I don't want to just keep doing maths sums via rout learning. I want to understand the whole thing. I want to really acknowledge the things I pick up along the way because maybe then, with all the extra little bits of information and life lessons and stuff, maybe, and only maybe, will the future seem slightly less daunting.

Either way, I was scared shit less by that dream/nightmare. You wouldn't think that it would, it was just such a simple little thing but so ergh! But I'm going to try face my fear with this new idea in mind. I'm going to try really hard. But let me tell you I am still terrified.

Feel free to tell me about your recent dreams, the holidays are terribly boring and I'm sure I could do with a bit of weird and whacky. :)

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