My Biggest Fear/ Last Night I Dreamt That

I HAVE HAD A MASSIVELY AMAZING IDEA!!! Wanna hear what it is¿ Well last night I had a peculiar dream. Now it may have been because we ate pizza last night (a friend of mine thinks its the cheese) that does it, but it doesn't matter. The point is that I finally had a dream that I remembered in the morning! I haven't had one of those in ages. So my BRILLIANT new idea is that, so I don't feel brain dead when I have to come up with something to write about is DUM DUM DUM...."last night I dreamt"! I know! Pure genius!

So this post is about the dream I dreamt last night. Last night I dreamt that I was in year 12. Final year. VCE. And I was running a race with all the other year 12s. It was set in Sri Lanka. And each and every single one of us had to pick up a handful of olives along the way and present it to the Martial at the end of the race who threw it on top of this metal roof (By the way, you will not find any olives in Sri Lanka so don't ask about the olives) So I finished this race. I did average. I didn't come first, it didn't come last. I think I came in the middle band of people but I was happy. Extremely happy that I finished this race. But I was so preoccupied about actually finishing this race that I forgot about the olives completely. I picked it up sure, but when I handed it over to the martial I didn't pay enough attention and didn't give the poor little green olive the respect it deserved. I don't know why but that tiny little piece of information kept nagging at the back of my mind. It kept pulling and pinching at my little grey matter and wouldn't leave me alone. And like the way a new mother wouldn't have the slightest clue as to why her baby was crying, I didn't have the slightest clue. Until I started thinking about it properly.

The race in obviously a symbolic metaphor for VCE or your certificate of education, final year examinations. The olives I think represent knowledge. I don't know why it can't be apples (I love apple and don't give me the sinister foreboding feeling that those tiny.sickly.green olives give me)! And I think it represent how some people really give a lot of thought into the whole learning process that they go through and get quite emotional and elated when they have to present what they have discovered on their race and how others simply just burn through the race only to have it over and done with. I don't want to be in the latter half when the time comes for me. Hell there's a whole year for me until then. A WHOLE YEAR. That's such a long time right? Not.

If you have read my post about Adulthood then you may find some background about this. But only now do I realise that my biggest fears aren't insects or man eating crocodiles. It isn't a fear of the dark or death or love. My biggest fear is the future.  The future. Whenever someone asks me what subjects I'm going to take for VCE or what I want to be once I "grow up", or what my dream is, or where I see myself in 20 years time, my stomach just...I don't know, it feels light someone grabbed my insides and started twisting it. At other times I feel like this big hole just opened up and swallowed everything I ate for lunch. That is the feeling I get when someone starts talking about the future. I know! It's terrible!

It's this massive unknown variable in your maths equation. I don't even like maths! I hate it with passion. But the one thing that I do like about it is that, no matter how hard the method is, no matter how long the working out, there is a clear and definite answer and a clear and definite method. The future is completely the opposite. Sure there is an equation. But the method involves making decisions about which method to use, purposely making mistakes and solving them finding new ways to do things. It involves so many different concepts that unless you fully grasp the idea behind them, then you have missed out on a valuable lesson. If you miss out on that maths lesson it's so easy to make up for it. Just study your textbook. But with this there aren't any textbooks!

These are the things that determine the end result.  And it scares me half to death. There are so many variables in this whole unknown. Maybe I am a maths student? ....Bahahahahaha! NO WAY!

Anyway,  I keep wondering "what if I make a terrible decision!? What if the whole thing turns up side down and I'm left completely lost? What if the end result is something I don't like? I just hate. I don't like it. It gives me nightmares...such as these. There's just way too many "ifs" for my liking!

But then I figured out the olive thing. I don't want to be the one who just burns through the whole VCE thing. I don't want to burn through such an important part of my future, just like I don't want to just keep doing maths sums via rout learning. I want to understand the whole thing. I want to really acknowledge the things I pick up along the way because maybe then, with all the extra little bits of information and life lessons and stuff, maybe, and only maybe, will the future seem slightly less daunting.

Either way, I was scared shit less by that dream/nightmare. You wouldn't think that it would, it was just such a simple little thing but so ergh! But I'm going to try face my fear with this new idea in mind. I'm going to try really hard. But let me tell you I am still terrified.

Feel free to tell me about your recent dreams, the holidays are terribly boring and I'm sure I could do with a bit of weird and whacky. :)

Free and equal?

A recent assignment given to me by my English tutor was to write an essay about whether we really felt Australia was truly as free and equal as it is said to be. Now this got me  thinking. I love Australia because, to be honest, it is one of the most multicultural societies I know. I walk through the city with this stupid grin on my face because it astounds me! That we have such a diverse range of individuals living in a single society blows my mind. But the thing that saddens me is that this is as good at it gets. Though we live in such a multicultural society, it is a misconception that a country is free and equal purely because it has a signifcatly lower rate of violence and racism and a label that states it. I don't get bashed.on the streets. I'm hardely ever called a "curry fob". But I can say that I feel the distinct difference between myself and "white" Australians. In fact I'm made to feel the difference with things that many people believe are insignificant. Can it really be as free and equall as they say it is when I and several other migrants and those of ethnic backrounds feel trapped, held back and utterly lost when it comes to placing ourselves within the Australian definition of Australian?

That is what I struggle with, and I know that several others struggle with this thing called a "definition". I am a migrant myself and I have this perception of who I am and what I define myself as.  But the thing is I find that many Australians don't know who we are. Many of us have our own ideas as to who we are. I consider myself A Sri Lankan brought up in an Aussie way. To make it understandable think of it as a fraction if you must. I think of myself as 2/3rds Sri Lankan and 1/3 Australian. But that ratio varies from one person to another. I find that Australian society loves to group us together in one single category, a label that isn't big enough to streatch over the things that we really are. These two different definitions, our own and the one that the rest of Australia places on us, creates this on going fight. A sibling rivalry. And as you all may know ( if you are an only child, be glad that you have been spared this experiencd) in order to prevent a horrible and violent situation, the most reasonable solution is a compromise. But the thing with compromises is that you are never truely satisfied. And when it comes to our own identity, this little compromise doesn't allow those of us from multicultural backrounds to stay true to themselves.

I often hear people say "India, Sri Lanka same thing!" and then they wonder why we get so wound up about it. For gods sake! It's like saying "Germany, France same thing". Its not! For one thing their languages are completely different so no! They are not the same!

Think of the Australian society as a chicken pen. There are so many different sorts of chickens in there that the farmers feel that the only way to make sense of such a mess is to categorise the chickens. But it's such a shame that these chickens  need loose a few of their really pretty feathers to look like the rest of those in their group. Its a shame that this categorisation comes at the cost of a persons identity.

Many people think that we of ethnic backrounds group ourselves automatically. "Birds of same feather flock together" they say.  But if we step back and take a look at these groups from a different perspective, we'll be surprised to find that they are formed by the actions of the rest of the Australian society. Society refuses to understand our ways. It laughs at me when I eat rice with my hands ( the traditional way) rather than with a spoon, it leers at me when I wear traditional clothing in public and screws its face up when they smell my perfectly delicious potatoe curry and puddu. It turns down the radio when our music comes, on and refuses to sell make up for our skin tone! And do u know what happens when I type in Sivanesan Kumarevelu into ancestry.com? I do. I find nothing about my ancestry on there database. Nope not me. Sorry, apparently my great great great grandpa wasn't a convict of the First Fleet.

So when Australian society refuses to learn our language and play our music isn't it reasonable for us to force ourselves into groups where we are free to do our own thing? But even if we feel at home in our own groups, what happenes when we venture forth into the Anglo Australian society? We feel lost and astray. We haven't been exposed to their ways and they havn't been expose to ours.

Our very own anthem states "with courage let us all combine". I hate to admit it but I smirk each time I'm made to sing it. So society let me give you a piece of my mind! Stop trying to define us! Try naming each individual star in the sky and it will be just as impossible. Just allow us to combine and learn from each others cultures, lifestyles, music, cusines beliefs. Only then will I feel comfortable enough to be free and feel equal.

My three very simple goals over summer

The holidays are nearly there. Well they are sort of here but our school decided to have 3 days of activities next week soo...its nearly here. We've even put up a christmas tree this year.
Oops, I went off track. What I'm trying to say is that with the holidays coming up, I need to set a few simple goals. We get a holiday of around 2 months! What am I going to do?

Things that I must do over the holiday

1. I must learn to cook..duh duh duuuuuuhh...CURRY. Yes, I am a Sri Lankan girl and I still don't know how to cook proper curry food. I prefer to assemble things on a plate. Like you know..a piece of toasted bread here, some salad there, add in some chickpeas. But no! These school holidays I am actually going to learn to cook curry. Dahl curry (lentil curry) fish curry, varrai ( this is a type of salad where you chop up your greens into very small pieces and toss them with cumin seeds and coconut and other stuff...which I have to learn of). Now curries are often very much overcooked and this goes slightly of my ethical eating moral soo imma get amma's help because she knows how to cook the healthy way.

2. I'm going to go to the gym. I know we all say it but this time I think I actually will! My sister has a friend, whose mum has become my mum's friend..so now..we are all friends! Yay! She is a lovely lady who agreed to take me to the gym on Mondays and Tuesdays so now I'm really excited :D

3. Right. So at the moment it seems like I'm only posting on my blog once a week. It's getting there. So during the holidays I'm going to increase that to 3 times a week. I'll start of with 2 and then I'll take it to three. Especially because it's the holidays I may actually get some thinking time to ...think I guess and come up with better ideas.

Things I have picked up along my way...

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhh! Its December! Wow already!? One year gone, flown past like another day.

I asked amma (mum) a few days ago whether the years feel shorter as you grow older. I always thought that, you know, when you grow older, you live through more years and I always thought that you would get used to the years flying by. Apparently not. I definitely haven't.  I will never grow tired of living a whole entire year. You learn, and pick up so many different things on your journey through it and sometimes we forget to reflect on those things. Over the span of this year, I have definitely picked up several different things, more than I can count so instead, what I thought I could do is I will show a few things from my room that I have picked up this year and tell you a bit about them and what I learnt from mere material things

maths papers: Trust me, I have learnt heaps from these. They look very messy, so I will not add a photo of them. And as much as I would love to teach you guys logarithm, I will pass. I have kept these in piles in and around my room because I just can't throw them out. No it's not because I don't want to or because I need them but because they are evil! I have a superstition that if I throw them out, they will curse me, jinx me and ruin and my academic life. So I have decided to keep them as a token of the violent battles that we have fought together this year :) yay


Nail polish: My athay (dad's sister, my aunty) used to be an Avon girl so she sent over a huge box of nail polish and the funny thing is, amma doesn't even let me use nail polish. They are cancerous. She insists. And this is also coming from the same person who thinks the sunscreen rather that the sun is what causes cancer. Actually, she could be right, I mean, the amount of artificial chemicals in either of those is not normal. Oooh, and the box is the one that comes with those really nice lollies from France. (My French teacher gave our class some and yet we still complain about her) What I learnt this year was that I need to stick to the naturals. Avoid harsh chemicals, stick to organics and treat your body the way that it's meant to be treated.

Socks: yup. Stripy socks, finger socks, white school socks, black school socks, anckle socks, sports socks.
here are my favourite socks :) I learnt that socks can actually make or break an outfit. Just chuck em on under a pair of high tops, strappy white sandals, boots ect.

My favourite woollen jumper and bag: I love these! I know that they may look a little granny like but it depends how you dress them up. Plus this year I began to develop a very unique quirky sense of style. The jumper I think is my favouritest thing in my wardrobe. Plus it smells really good for some reason and in spring, even when it was really warm, I still managed to use it by draping it all over me. Its the cat I never really had :) and I love the pattern on the bag.  I found these at an op - shop and I've worn them ever since. I learnt that op - shops are a very good reservoir of all sorts of clothes and caters for my very special needs :D aaaand that they are very beneficial for the environment because they recycle old and used clothes that would otherwise be thrown into the skip. note: op - shops are very cheap from $1 - around $50 and most of the clothes are branded so you can tell your friends that you bought that Armani dress for only $12 ;)

Mes sandales: Me and most of my heels have a love hate relationship. I love them because they look soo pwetty and I hate them because they make my feet hurt and in all honesty are useless because I'm tall anyway. That was until I found these. They are soooo comfortable! I swear! And you just simply slip em on aaand the heels aren't that high. Win win.

My necklace: It's one of my ultimate favourites. It's so easy to put on and it goes with anything. I love the colour too. Also, my dad bought my sister and I one each from Argentina. (she has the browny orange colour that I sometimes steal)  I learnt that blue and green are my favourite colours.

My other necklace and my garland: My friends and I have a thing called the family. We all have brothers, sister, parents, uncles aunts, grandpas and all and of course I am their pet elephant. One of my best friends gave this one to me for my birthday.

My little garland: Aww, I love my friends. I had a small picnic in the park for my birthday and they thought instead of a party hat, they'd get me this. I learnt that my friends are my life. Each and every single one of them are like an individual colour of nail polish. I know I sound superficial but hear me out. Each is a different colour that I go for depending on what mood I'm in, whether I need a little cheering up, a little confidence boost, or just something to brighten up my day. I love my friends. (I have a bottle of nail polish in front of me so if you're wondering how I came up with that....)

Cherries in the snow: As delicious as that may sound it is actually my favourite lipstick. Actually I don't have many to choose from...precisely 2. But I like the Revlon Creme 440 it because it's a bright frosty, slightly lighter that cherry red, lippy and I think it is me. What I learnt this year was that I am growing braver by the day. Brave enought to catch public transport on my own. Brave enough to face new challenges ( I'm part of a social service group that is going to Africa next year), brave enough to be myself, brave enough to do so many new things that I never thought I could do before this year, like wearing bright pink lippy.

I learnt so many new things this year, and I'm soo glad that I could share these with you people : D :D
The end.